diary of papa karl

i decided to write here once again. simply because i think there are less people who read (or know) this blog. thus, less people would get to know about this, at first hehe.

i just wanted to say that tonight (or today) is the third time i’ve staying in the office til the wee hours of the morning of the next day. yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s worse than overtime. it’s called overnight. maybe i wasn’t prepared to face the corporate world. or maybe it’s just that the nature of my career is built this way. and that i have only two choices: to swim with the current or drown by staying still and try to withstand it.

if i chose the latter, i shouldn’t have been here in the office. but then again, it would mean also that i may not have this job by tomorrow (or today). this is how i define the fear of an employee: to work according to the rules of the game of your boss (or your team/department/company/industry) or just get kicked out your sorry ass back to the bum useless life i sometimes wished for.

i just wanted to finish this. ergo, this post is finished.

a kayak is a boat meant for two people. either or both have oars to move and direct the boat to the steerers’ destination.

but what happens when the kayak is carrying four people instead of the usual two?

we tried doing exactly just that. and more than a couple of times the boat capsized, leaving splashes of water brought about by us wiped out by the boat. but then again, we were simply persistent. trying on different strategies until we have succeeded: the “more stable” people boarding the kayak first and the lighter ones boarding last, each facing the outer side of the boat. the first to board are the ones who will drive the water transport, while the others simply not moving much to avoid capsizing again.

due to the combined weight of four people, water can easily flow in the kayak. yet the boat will not sink due to its plastic material, with results to higher buoyancy.

the kayak is moving. the efforts of the steerers are showing good distance away from the white shoreline. until we have noticed that the oars cannot reach the bottom of the sea. panic strikes one of the passengers as she does not know how to swim and float. she screams and begs the captains to turn and head back to the shore. the waves added to the panic-stricken passenger as it makes the kayak more unstable with each pass. 

one of the captain steps in and calms the noisy passenger by making her understand that panicking won’t do any good to the rest of us. the other passenger gave instructions on one of the steerer on how to return to the beach. and with each strike of the oar on the sea, the boat slowly turns and heads inch by inch towards the shore. the panicking passenger won’t calm down until her feet touches dry sand, as she continues to scream and make instructions on how to drive the kayak, making the steerer confused, in turn making the boat head for other directions. the main captain of the kayak yelled at her one last time to shut her mouth so that steerers could focus on the right path. until finally we have reached the not-so-deep part of the sea. in her anticipation, the noisy passenger made unnecessary movements which made the boat turn over, dropping all its passengers in the crystal water. one by one, the passengers grabbed hold of the floating transport and kicked their way back to the shore, all with a feel of exhaustion, relief and laughtrip moments. one discovered one of oars was not with them and had to dive to the floor of the sea where the capsize occurred to redeem the oar. all were relieved after what happened.

lessons:

1. never panic in case of trouble. the more you panic, the more you will be in trouble .

2. trust your friends with your life. they trust their lives to you, so why not do the same? all were willing to risk their lives to save you from drowning. shouldn’t you reciprocate?

3. when one is stricken by panic, let the experts do the talking. they know way better than you.

4. never despair when you’re with your true friends. they will save your ass before you even ask.

5. doing unnecessary things to your friendship will sink it.

6. never rush things. you may never know you’re just done halfway.

and lastly,

7. laugh at troubles once you’re through with it, not when you’re still in it. it’s plain pointless to be happy when you haven’t overcome your problems.

i dont know why. is it just because of the continuous flow of work? weekly exams? lack of time for rest? less time for family moments? less time for youth moments? lack of moment for myself? maybe its because of all of these…

maybe its just because of what ive been doing for the past month… the fact that i rarely have time to really think of why i have to do all these… to the point that i am just being doing all i have to do just because i have to… i lack the passion… i lack the willingness that i have in the past… i lack the enthusiasm of the idea of having a reward at the end of the road… i lack…. poor me… but do i really have to pity myself? hmmmm…

i am losing my capacity to float… in the sea of my past… i cant help but stop paddling my feet, and let him’s memory swallow me whole. i kept myself floating far too long… and i thought i was over him… but i failed, i cant believe that i failed the test. after such a long time, the thought of him slowly crawling upon me was such a very weakening situation to be in… its like poison, it kills you slowly, and it lets you feel every bit of pain possible.it lets you indulge in all its bitterness. its all too much then you give up struggling and then you die…

thats exactly whats happening to me right now. im slowly being poisoned by him’s resurrection… but i just cant help but like every moment im in pain. him having a new special someone. him having to disregard me again after months of waiting in the dark corner of his life… waiting that him will come and bring me in the limelight of him’s life, but what can i do? im just a wall flower… an accessory that him can use and keep in him’s treasure chest, until i struggled to regain him’s attention again, and him will come back to me to wear me again, and keep me again…

darn, when will i be saved from the sea of being alone? from miles  and miles of waters made from misery, self pity and past memories?

somebody give me a life jacket tied to a boat. somebody save me… im drowning in eternal sadness…

it has been a long time since i last let out my thoughts in this blog. and why not? i haven’t had anything to do but to study, study and study some more. i am already on the verge of being such a nerd but then my brain couldn’t digest anymore. i need to take a breather. i need to rest, but i cant. exams are lined up one after the other. org activities left and right. college activities are piled up. fines and dues keep me buried below acceptable degrees. can i just shout for help! no! i don’t even have time for that! in fact, the reason why i could write again on this blog after some time is because i sacrificed a lil bit of my time for sleepin. sigh, i wish i could just be able to rest again, juts like the way i could before i came to college

and so has the decorating season has come once again. the time where people start to brighten up their homes with lights, sparkling ornaments… the season has come once again to celebrate the time when a Savior was born to save us…

my chruch org in Laguna did just that. but, we did that not in our respective houses, but to our Parish church! yup, hundreds of feet of space, decorated with green garlands, adorned with silver balls, silver poinsettias and flowers. and hundreds and hundreds of chasing lights. pillars decoreated with white mangrove branches, stars of different sizes and designs. and we did that in one day! whew! what an experience. bonding with them, my members. seeing everybody working do untiringly for the joy of giving church goers the feeling that christmas is fast approaching. yes, a white christmas feel for everybody. the tranquil yet joyous feeling of snow… in a tropical country like ours…

to all who were there to help us decorate the church, my warmest thanks. and to everybody who goes to church, may our simple effort to start the yuletide season be also the start of a very sparkling bright christmas for you and your loved ones. merry christmas…

nice movie. really really liked it. but id like to be a critic for this moment. just wanted to say there were some parts there that are very "symbolic".

first: why penguins? its because they have some behaviors that is very very opposite to ours, like in one instance, the fathers are the ones who are taking care of their future kids, while the women are the ones in charge of finding food for them. i think its "slightly feminist" for me. but i dont mind.

next: it was emphasized in the movie that if you are different from the majority, then you should stay out. it was clear that this shouldnt be the case in the last part of the movie, when mumble, the main character, was able to rescue the entire penguin community from starvation through his unique talent. besides, penguins can really dance, its just that it was supressed by their leader, which is the next point i want to comment on.

the political system. it was what-i-say-is-true-so-you-follow-it kind. their leader is very authoritative. too bad, he ended up being so embarassed. and so was lovelace, another penguin guru. one lesson learned: empty drums do make a lot of noise.

now for the morales, aside from what i juts pointed out: first, do hone your inborn talents. it will really help you grow as a person. second, dont mind what other people say about you, especially if you strongly believe that they are actually wrong. remember that these kinds of people will only drag your self-esteem down. third, so what if you’re different? remember, that you are not alone. there are lots of other people out there who share the same passion like yours. and lastly, lets all try not to mess up with the human and animal food chain. lets be environmental and help in cleaning up the mess we made with the earth.

why the hell am i so into him? i can’t really get myself together and be done with him, get myself a new page where i can read new stories. i have seen you again. first day of classes. ur in that jeep, and i was at the other. of course u won’t really see me. it’s just that i was always on my heels looking for you. and i did. i don’t know if i’m happy coz i saw you again, or otherwise, for whatever reason i don’t know…

i have heard this song. over and over again. it’s great. break-up song. moving on. getting a new start. i love it. and yet i don’t want it, to hear this from you. or for me to sing you this song.  why? just see the lyrics

To the left
To the left

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he’ll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin’
You’re irreplaceable

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he’ll be here in a minute (baby)

should i be happy about it? i dunno, mixed emotions… i’m happy coz i’ll be seeing my friends again. happy to see him again, and (her?) again. happy coz i have my allowance again. happy coz i’m (sort of) free again. free from all the household chores, from the clutches of (a sort of) cruelty. what cruelty? i dunno. maybe i’m just too sarcastic on things. too pessimistic. too narrow-minded. too me…

or maybe i’m sad. sad coz i’m still in the recovery stage. recovering from a very stressful, suicidal semester. two straight weeks of little (or no) sleep needs more than two straight weeks of rest, closure from the academic world. and after two weeks of rest, i haven’t fully recovered. and now, they say i’m anemic and, maybe, hyperacidic. gosh, i’ve really tortured my body. and now, i’m suffering more. and i want more time for sleeping. resting.

and maybe because i don’t want to leave my friends back in laguna yet. especially now that i hadn’t kept in touch with them last sem break. i miss them so much.

mixed emotions. is this the type of mental focus i want for the rest of this sem? hmm…

i never wanted to go out tonigt. but then, i have this feeling that i must. at least for the sake of gathering something to cherish i call bonding moments. anyways, we got to this coffee shop in katipunan. ordered some caffeine-rich beverage to make me worthy of the space i had to occupy in the shop, of course with my friends. and then, i read some stories i should’ve read for such a long time before. and then…

i didn’t expect to see him there. he was with some of our common friends and more of his friends i dont even know. but anyways. he was there, wearing one of his frequently worn dark-colored polo shirts. he saw me. i saw him. we stared at each other for some time. then everything went in slow motion…

he came towards me. i saw his every step. left foot, right foot, and a final left. he smiled. i smiled too. i felt my friends i’m with suddenly disappeared. and all i can see is him. him. him…

we conversed. the reason why i was there. why he was there. what’s up with my life. what’s up with his. his message for me, which i required my org’s applicants to scav. its content. mushy. cheesy. some unforgetable parts of it. its entirety. it’s whole meaning to me. why it was written as such. why it had such content. then, we laughed. some soft friendly punches. some tender touches. i blushed. yes, in front of him. i don’t know if he noticed. but i did. he smiled again. i smiled back. then, a voce came from nowhere. it was our common friend. and the my vision suddenly lightened…

i came back to the realization that i was back in the coffee shop. and so did he. and i wasn’t alone. i introduced him to my friends. then he left, with our common friend, to their table outside the shop. left foot, right foot…

back at our table, we discussed what just happened. how, i became so silent. dumbstruck. i was looking at him. sometimes, they say he was looking at me when i’m not looking at him. sometimes, our eyes met again. and we just exchanged smiles and funny faces. i was enjoying every second of it. sigh, just when i thought all i felt for him had vanished after two long years of no communication. of rarely seeing each other. but then, i realized, it had just subsided. and when i saw him again, everything just rose back into me. like the sudden rush of water in a blocked tunnel. so fast. so violent. yet, i loved it…

but then, like every other moment, it has to end. they were to leave. have some other good time somewhere else. like i can stop them. so i tried to say to him my farewell, not so explicitly. i looked at him for one last time. and then, he was gone. and i’m again at a lost. so fast how he came back, and so faster was how he left me alone, again. i wonder if he would ever be back. i wonder if that same kind of experience would happen to me, and with him, again. yeah, another wish so tangible, yet so rare. so near impossibility. yet i am hopeful, it would happen someday, soon…

yes, how i loved drinking mocha frappucino at that coffee shop.